CHICAGO, ILLINOIS (LIAR’S CLUB BAR, FULLERTON & ADDISON) – I had the unique experience of watching the made-for-TV Lifetime movie event “Untouchable” The Drew Peterson Saga at a bar with over 100 other people just as odd as I am. And I have to say, I was not disappointed. And for those who happened to catch the film, I have no idea what the situation with the hot dogs was…
Now, usually when I watch movies about crime, courts or the law, I tend to pick apart everything they do. “They would never execute a search warrant like that!” “No judge would allow that testimony!” You get the picture. But for the Drew Peterson Saga, I made a conscious effort to turn off my lawyer-brain and enjoy it for what it was. And it turned out to be a hilarious, borderline ridiculous look at some pretty serious issues. And to be clear, I do not find anything funny about serial murder or spousal abuse. In fact, domestic violence is a problem that rears its ugly head far too often in society and ends up on my desk as a file to be addressed.
That said, the movie was hilarious and almost brilliant in its awfulness. First of all, it was a Lifetime channel movie. We all know the familiar Lifetime movie view of the world. The facts take a backseat to the drama, and boy is there drama! Rob Lowe has made quite the turn from the disarmingly handsome “Benjamin” in Wayne’s World. He put on the requisite weight, and through some great makeup and prosthetics, was turned into a Drew Peterson look-alike…ish. What comes across as menacing in the real Peterson is oddly funny in Lowe. And it’s not for a lack of trying. His acting was pretty good. The problem was that his Chicago accent was a little too thick for credibility. And Kaley Cuoco added some much needed sex appeal to the otherwise sexless romp.
“I’M UNTOUCHABLE, BITCH!” -Sgt. Andrew “Drew” Peterson
Things have changed. Although it does seem like every spree or serial killer gets some sort of movie made where a B-list star plays the 3-named psychopath (3 names as in John Wayne Gacy, and some others my brain can’t quite pull from its depths right now), this one was special. I mean, Rob freaking Lowe! Benjamin from Wayne’s World! “If he were an ice cream flavor he would be prailines and dick…” Problem was, it’s really really hard to be scared of Rob Lowe, even in the Drew Peterson mask and moustache that frames his cop face. And there is no way that Drew Peterson did as well with the ladies in real life as Lowe did as Peterson in the movie. The movie ended with an update on Drew, something about being in prison while his lawyers delayed the case until the end of time. Beautifully, the last update that appeared before the credits shows a tired but far-from-beaten Lowe looking through the window of a prison visitation room. As it fades to black, or so I remember, the screen reads,”He is still looking for his 5th wife.” WHAT??! Who the hell wrote this crap? I consider myself a champion of irony, but was that the Lifetime equivalent of a joke to leave us waiting for the sequel? No sequel. Flux capacitor is broken.
“ROADS? WHERE WE’RE GOING WE DON’T NEED ROADS…”
If I even catch a hint of “Untouchable 2,” I’m out of here. Gone. I’m moving far away to a country without the Lifetime channel. If this is the kind of crap we are feeding to our kids, count me out. Jonathan Goldman has no place in a world with more than one Drew Peterson movie. It’s them or me. This town ain’t big enough for both of us. So heed my warning, Lifetime Network, and choose wisely…and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Ok, next time it’s back to the lawyering. I promise. There is plenty to talk about in the law these days, but how could I resist Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson and the lovely and talented Kaley Cuoco as Stacy Peterson? I’m only human.
In the trenches so you don’t have to be,
Jonathan S. Goldman is a high-volume criminal defense attorney in Chicago. He divides his time between defending DUIs, Felonies and Misdemeanors and preparing expungement, sealing and executive clemency petitions to help clients clear up their criminal records. Jonathan has his B.A. in Legal Studies from the University of Wisconsin-Madison and his J.D. from DePaul University College of Law. He currently owns and runs his own practice and works with attorneys who specialize in license reinstatement and Secretary of State heraings. Contact him at email@example.com.
(Photos courtsey of Lifetime and are property of their respective owners. All rights reserved.)